Monday, November 21, 2011

Your life is ending one second at a time.

Your life is ending one second at a time. I think that’s from Fight Club or Vodacom’s Baby in space advert. Make every second count. But the interpretation is that you have to be running around like some headless chicken in some constant rush. I hate rushing. I like to be able to absorb moments. Store the memory of that feeling so that years later I can sip from it.

I often wonder to myself how my life would have turned out if everything had gone to plan. Let’s see. I would have made senior partner by now. I would be grey. I would have kids. I would have a wife that would be referred to as “my immediate supervisor” and in-laws that would make me speak like the Outlaw Josey Wales.

Yes I would have been living the life. Debt free and everywhere in shackles. I would have figured out how to support a mistress. Had sex with my wife at the appropriate times like birthdays, Mother’s day and Valentine’s day. Got used to the idea of blow jobs on my birthday. And deciding whose family we should spend which Eid at.

I would have had a life. My kids would all be named after my in-laws since my names are nothing like the social acceptable Muslim sounding names people come to expect. Which is why I hate when people introduce me by my Muslim name to other Muslims but still call me by my other Scottish name. It’s like their way of saying, don’t kill him, he’s cool, he’s one of us. I feel like I am Donnie Brasco.

Just this morning I thought of an an ex for some odd reason. Out of all of my ex’s I think had my life followed the normal course of events, I would have been reasonably happy with her. Her perfect enunciation, my nose in the air ways back then, we would have been perfect together, except for the fact that she was more concerned about pleasing others than actually taking cognisance of the fact that I was just not some concept but an actual person who had nothing to do with her adopted insecurities.

People often go, if only, but for, we could have, should have, would have been. But you’re not, the whisper of fate repeats ad nauseum. Sure I would have liked to have kept to my plan, but my life has been interesting. I mean who knows what I would have been pining for now on the mirror side of that perfect life imagined. What seconds passed would I be crying for now? I suppose life teaches you what you need to know. Unlike university where you have to take some course which serves no purpose.

Like right now I know what I want and what I don’t want. I am in something because I want to be there and I have the balls to walk away from things when I feel like this serves no point. To answer all those concerned people I think I am in a better position to get married now than I was 10 years ago when I asked my then gf to. Why? I know myself better. I know what I am capable of and what I am not.

We are living one second at a time. We moving one second to the end of us and somehow we’re all striving for meaning, to leave and still be remembered.  I don’t know if you will be remembered for being the same like everyone else. I want to stand out. I want to do things that will quieten the restlessness I feel when I am stuck doing mundane like an old Middle Eastern couple –through a hole in the sheet.

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