Around this time of year I tend to channel very bad people. Well bad by societal standards anyway. I started smoking again. Yes I’m a loser. But you know what? Fuck you, that’s what.
Anyway as we close out the year it is time to give back to the online world. The online world has been good to me and I need to be good right back. So without further delay, here is the 2011/2012 Online Personalities Meat List.
For the uninformed the Meat List is a compilation of singleton online personalities and how much you could expect to pay for them in Lobola terms. Well the price is based purely on my assessment and you are free to disagree. And anyway why should innocent God fearing people be left in single bliss.
*If anyone is not single and currently involved in a very overprotective and insecure relationship, please don't get upset and try to kill my cat. He will kill you if you do.
This year we have decided to add a married ladies section Under the title “If we could give them beef” Please pay these folk a visit, say hi and who knows, we could be crossing a few names of the singles list. Oh this list was published without the permission of the people mentioned. Sorry. Big man love to all of you.
We’d give them beef and then some:
1. Zahira Kharsany – Online personality, social media Guru, you can find Zahira’s blog at www.zahira.co.za. Originally from the Province that gave us Cabous v/d Westhuizen, Zahira now lives in Johannesburg. It is rumoured that Zahira’s presence in Sandton caused the property prices to go up by 25%.
a. Lobola value: 1 pair calf skin knee length leather boots, two bulls, 5 camels and a chicken.
2. Bibi Aisha Wadvalla – Journalist, traveller all round adventurer this youngster (I get to say that at my age) is a symbol of the modern Muslim woman. It is rumoured that a glimpse of her hair Hosni Mubarak handed himself over to stand trial as he broke down in tears at the beauty of it. You can find Bibi at http://bibiaishawadvalla.wordpress.com/
a. Lobola Value: 12 Camels, a goat and 3 cows.
3. Aasia Fredericks: The multi-talented, future TV talkshow host is one of the finest human beings. Even if you are subjected to the occasional fuck off. Aasia is big on helping the community and has used her talents to help the less fortunate and talented. Some of the recipients of her help include, Trevor Noah, Loyiso Gola, Joey Rasdien and Barry Hilton. You can find Aasia at: www.aasiaf.blog
a. Lobola value: Two goats, a chicken, 3 Cows, a midget on a bicycle
4. Gulshan Khan: new to the list, known as the queen of Pretoria to her subjects, the Rock Chick from a small dorp (Town for people from KZN) is a rugby fan (I know, like WTF? How awesome is that?), a poet, and a part-time assassin. We can’t talk about it. You can find the lovely Gulshan at http://twitter.com/#!/let_zephyrspin
a. Lobola Value: 3 Goats, 4 cows, a leather whip and 10 packets of Woolworths extra spice biltong. (It’s halaal)
5. Khadija Patel: Writer, intellectual, all round nice person. If she were any cooler she would be screaming get these %$#@&(&*^$ing snakes of my plane. But she doesn’t swear. A future leader of South Africa, the future MR Khadija Patel can look forward to the opening of parliament, formal outfits with matching hats. You can find Khadija @khadijapatel and here http://khadijapatel.com
a. As a deposit you will have to show at least 6 cows. If you are accepted,
6. Queen LeStat: Saw her for the first time in 6 month yesterday and she still has a bum that would make a sailor cry. These were the words of South African president Jacob Zuma at the Cop 17 conference where he said that Queen Lestat’s hot bum was a direct cause of global warming and that we should all try and throw ice at her. Queen LeStat was a blogger now Tweeter and part owner of the IPL franchise, the Bangalore HasBeans. You can find the one eyed beauty at http://twitter.com/#!/@queenlestat
a. Lobola price: Not Cheap. Halaal Kobe Beef. 7 cows and a small naughty monkey. If you pay the price, The Queen will spank your monkey.
We’d like to give them beef but:
Just because a woman is married doesn’t mean she’s dead. So with all respect to the lucky husbands we’d like to give a special mention to head turning online ladies from our community. *sigh*
The Saaleha – The single biggest cause behind the biggest boy cry when she announced she would getting hitched. But Mr. Saaleha is pretty cool so we don’t hate him. Much. At all.
check her out at www.saaleha.com
The Nafisa – you know that movie where the geek chick is hot and her CPU brings all the boys to the yard? Check out: http://www.nafisa.co.za/
Sure there may be people you thought should have been on that list. But start your own blog and make your own list. And if someone asks why I left off Uzayr please remember: He has a penis. That is a no-no for me.
Coming up: The birthday wishlist – how to please your future leader while the price is still cheap.