At my core I still think like a Muslim. I know that much to be true. But I can also say that over the last few weeks it has become increasingly harder to say that my faith was strong. On Saturday I saw it shatter and I couldn't be bothered to pick up the pieces.
For most people it was just a dog dying. I accept that the dog would die. But from a bone breaking in her spine to the pools of blood she ended up throwing as I tried to hold her up. We couldn't put her down because we couldn't pick her up. She had never bitten anyone but she bit me on Friday when I tried lifting her. She went through 8 agonising hours as we waited. She slowly began losing consciousness and then she eventually died after spewing up the last bit of blood. I prayed for 2 days. My mother prayed for two days. We had come to accept her death, a part of our family. I have had sick dogs before but this was painful to go through. My prayers remained unanswered and I can't explain how my dog went from broken bone in her spine to throwing up blood. She was healthy. And I can't explain why I feel betrayed by the Good Lord. Maybe because I watched every minute of it, maybe because I prayed and got no answer and no explanation helps. For now I have come to the conclusion, I have to believe I am on my own. No matter what happens, God doesn't care.
But that's me being sensitive and personal.
The MJC and the halaal saga
Let's call a spade a spade. The MJC's alleged checks and balances are about as accurate as those of Limpopo province's financial management. Gaping holes, poor administration, God's representatives are hopefully the exception when it comes to one day adding up our Good deeds and no one is met with a "computer error" when they get their books in their hands. But what is shocking is the attack they have received from other Muslims. I still maintain, a Muslim likes nothing better than knocking another Muslim. Yes I have first hand experience with this. That fat buffalo headed moron from Klerksdorp and the Gnome named Moose. But instead of trying to get this process on track we're making excuses (MJC) or we're taking pot shots (The rest of us) because somehow attacking them is one way of ensuring Muslims have halaal meat. Na, fuck 'em, we're all just cooler calling all those God knowledgeable but management incompetent fellow Muslims names. If only Israel had certified Orion's meat. We need to grow up and do something or else don't but shut the fuck up because too many enjoy just shouting but none of us seem prepared to roll up our sleeves.
Call it what you want, superstitions, evil eye, black magic, if I meet another Muslim who has "moulana" than can make a Taweez for whatever their whim is, I swear I will stab them. Now you need to be watching what you eat and where you go. Everyone has a powder, a piece of paper, an oil to dab, something to help them get what they want. Now either you believe in it or you don't. But it is very hard not to know that this exists because now being a Muslim means you also have to contend with supposedly God fearing types dabbling in things we shouldn't be. Maybe it's all those flyers promising anything the heart desires. Maybe people are just generally selfish and faithless. I don't know and I don't care.
And no, I am not jealous of Liam Neeson getting all this attention for considering Islam., Islam is an incredibly beautiful way of life. But like all theories, in practice stupid, pathetic human beings mess it all up.
Put aside my own fight with God for ignoring me when I needed Him, I can't proudly call myself a Muslim because I don't know what it stands for anymore. That is not an indictment on other Muslims. Those people are incredible at maintaining their faith. I am not. I am weak and can't find sense in it any more.